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This man was sitting quietly reading his racing paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan, WHACK!.
"What did I do to deserve that?" said the man.
"What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" said she
"Oh honey, you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked all satisfied, says she is sorry, and goes off do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and WHACK!.
"What in the world was that for this time?" said he
"Your horse just called." said she!
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Some race horses staying in a stable.
One of them starts to boast about his track record.
"In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've one 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.
"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in MY last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed.
"Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
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A seven-year-old horse was entered in a big money race which it proceeded to win by seven lengths. The track manager called the owner and said,
"Your horse is seven years old and won by seven lengths. Why haven't you raced him before?"
"We would have," responded the owner, "but we didn't catch up with him until last Tuesday."
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Lester Piggot is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horses trainer.
The trainer tells Lester that this is the worst horse he has in training, it has had 23 races and finished last in all of them, if it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
Lester mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and Lester is 30 lengths last after half a furlong, he gives the horse an almighty backhander on the behind, nothing, he then gives him a series of sharp slaps down the shoulder, nothing, he then gives him two wallops right on the bollocks, the horse comes to a sudden stop, turns round to Lester and says "for christ sake will you turn it in with that whip I have to be up at half four in the morning to deliver the milk"!
- Patrick McCarten
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